Nic n Mix bring you the world of celeb junk and TV trash in one digestible daily dose. To subscribe to our free email The Daily Trash, write to nicnmix@gmail.com

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

England rubbish

Why was Andy Johnson played out wide. Rubbish. Britney's dodgy video on Holy Moly. not her.
Anyway - been trawling the blogs and I like blogmarch

Monday, July 25, 2005

Daily Trash - Bigger and Badder

Once again we can only apologise for the shambolic mess that is the "Daily" Trash. We are currently under going meta-testing with a view to a partial relaunch by the beginning of August.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Daily Trash - An Apology

Trash Talk wishes to apologise for the consecutive non-appearance of the Daily Trash. This is because Mixu is on holiday for the week and Nic has motivation issues. Anyway - we leave you with this small snippet for the moment..

The terrifying news is that the new Ian and Myra aka Maxwell and Saskia have signed up as a double act with Money Management. The very same agency who handle Abi Titmuss, who incidentally appears to be still "going strong" with the Shabster if this weekend's Sunday Times interview is to be believed....

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

The Daily Trash, Weds 13 July 2005

HOT NEWS

CHURCH VERBAL BITCH SLAPPING FROM "TOILET" TWEEDY

The Sun, on a very quiet trash talk day reports that Cheryl Tweedy has SLAMMED Charlotte Church for "ripping off the band's sound". Speaking on Radio 1's Scott dot Mills show she finished off her tirade with the bitchy sign off that since Girls Aloud had moved on musically anyway, they're happy to "let Charlotte get on with using their old sound".

I thought "Crazy Chick" was officially described as Motown influenced but Nic claims he gets where Cheryl is coming from.

WRIST ACTION REBUKED

Naughty Accurist have had their wristwatches slapped for running an ad of a naked woman reclining on a chair with her left hand on her stomach and her partly obscured fingers above her crotch with the slogan “Me Time”. The Advertising Standard Authority ruled that the ad, which ran in Glamour magazine was offensive “because it implied she was masturbating”.

Rather than concede they've been rumbled, the Accurist PR goons have fought back with a stunning piece of rapid rebuttal. In their version of life, they claim that the model had placed her hand on the inside of the top of her leg because it was a “natural and comfortable pose” and the “Me time” theme acknowledged that “women had busy lives and juggled work, family and social activities”.

Anyway, they’ve now agreed to remove the hand for future appearances. But I don’t know. Something about the slogan, her nakedness and the expression on her face suggests to me that the moral majority will still see the smutty angle rather than the time-poor, hassled career mother that the innocent folk at Accurist are trying to evoke.

David Beckham v Harry Potter in the battle for the blue tomorrow

(Nic says) Young (ie: under-40) Tory activists hired a plane to drag a banner across London to tout Big Brother contestant Derek Laud's credentials as the next Conservative Party Leader.

While he'd undoubtedly be better than weekend warrior David "Guns n Ammo" Davis, their logic seems a little flawed.

Firstly, they reckon that he's a 'great mediator' and can resolve any dispute. That doesn't explain why he has so far racked up more nominations than any other housemate (18 at the last count).

Secondly, they say he's a winner and has survived several eviction nights. But whatever your politics, you have to admit that Blair / Brown represent more formidable opposition than Lesley / Roberto.

But the killer argument is that he's more famous with young people than Malcom Rifkind. That being the criteria, it could be that Jim Davidson's time has come. Could be a dream ticket with Cilla Black. Does anyone know Joe Pasquale's politics?

Tuesday's Daily Trash

MEL C BLAMED FOR FAILURE OF G8 SUMMIT

The Sun points the finger very firmly at Mel(anie) C for the failed Live8 Spice Girls reunion. As the one remaining ex-Spice Girl with delusions of a sustainable solo career, The Sun points out with vicious schadenfreude that her new album debuted at No 138 with just 453 sales.

SASKIA IN BANGLE REGRET

Saskia commands the centre spread feature in today’s Sun, expressing regret for wearing the mass of bangles that betrayed her vigorous hand shandy activity under the duvet. Responding to Maxwell’s growing flirtation with Orlaith, she repeats her signature line, first uttered in the post-eviction interview, that if he wants cheeseburger when he can have steak then that’s fine. Naturally – one could question which one’s the big saggy burger..

Saskia is from Surbiton Trash Talk notes in astonishment.

LADY AND DANAN IN TRAMP

Astonished at the national indifference to their return from Fiji it seems that psychotic Paul Danan and Lady Isabella, the worst ever advert for a private education were desperately trying to revive interest in their fading profiles by snogging the night away at crappy toffs club Tramp last night. err. that's it.

CHARLOTTE CHURCH IN “SEXIEST EVER PICTURES” EXAGGERATION

The Sun’s Page 3 lovely is replaced today by images of a bewigged vaguely fetishistic Charlotte Church posing sort of seductively with a Flying V guitar and draped over a motorbike for the latest GQ magazine cover. Charlotte says that she won’t be baring any more because her grandma wouldn’t approve.

Anyway, they aren’t her sexiest ever pictures by any means. To be honest you’ll find better in any Daily Sport “Ooops!” upskirt shot of her drunkenly stumbling out of a taxi at 3am on a weekday.

TOKEN CRACKHEAD LIVE8 PERFORMER IN SALES BLOW

According to the Daily Telegraph, Pete Doherty was the only Live8 artist whose sales actually fell as a result of their performance on Saturday. In fairness to the confused genius, it's a bit of an exaggeration since firstly, Babyshambles haven't actually released an album yet. They are in fact referring to the Libertines album Up The Bracket - a band he left over 12 months ago.

Monday, July 04, 2005

BB5 biyatches - Career Prospects

There's little dispute that Shell and Vanessa would have been long gone from the public eye had it not been for the emergence of weekly men's mags Nuts and Zoo. And a nice living they make from it as well, servicing a profitable market in need of a constant supply of Z-list totty. Trash Talk evaluates what the prospects are for this year's batch of dirty-talking neo-lesbo BB nymphs:

SAM - a dead cert for the Nuts/Zoo stable with the occasional Front or Ice cover such is their desperation for anyone these days. Personally I still haven't worked out what's so special or notorious about Michelle and Lucy to justify their ubiquity. There's no reason whatsover why Sam shouldn't make the seamless transition to the weekly men's mags either.

Most likely to be found on the cover of: Zoo/Nuts
Staying Power: 4/5

SASKIA - a tough one. Ultimately a bit of a fat lass with tats so big that they probably hang down below her belly button. And her inherent nastiness with slightly racist overtones could drop her down the pecking order of new recruits, especially with the likes of Orlaigh and Makosi to compete with. But she's proved her dirtiness in this age of Abi Titmuss seriously mucky verité and you can never discount the genius of the airbrush brigade.

Most likely to be found on the cover of: Sunday Tabloid supplement/British Patriot magazine
Staying Power: 1/5

LESLEY- yet another fat lass with big'uns, her early departure has put paid to any chances of the big time (well, relatively speaking that is). Even if she really does have the biggest boobs in Huddersfield (and it is "boobs" in this case, a very British pair of deeply unsexy giant baps that would have suited any of the Confessions of a Window Cleaner series), the only magazines we can see her gracing the cover of belong on the top shelf.

Most likely to be found on the cover of: Big and Fat, Ginger Minges
Staying Power: 1/5

KINGA - it's Groundhog Day - but thankfully fat lass with big'uns No 3 never made it to the main room. Barely registered on the radar and almost definitely heading straight back to the online swingers websites.

Most likely to be found on the cover of: UKdogging.co.uk
Staying Power: n/a

We'll give you our view on outrageously mucky Makosi and the filthy Donna Air lookalike Orlaith when their stint is over. Judging by last night's pool escapades, there's a lot more to come from these two.

Behind the mask...

No 1. Fran Cosgrave

We're all happy that Fran won Celebrity Love Island. Giving Paul Danan the crown would have been the greenlight for date-rapists and stalkers everywhere. Lee Sharpe was doing OK til he fell in love with 'the Shabster' and Calum hardly needed an ego-boost.

However, two things are still bugging us about him.

1. Why does no-one ever mention his eyebrows? What has happened to them? Why do they look like that, and are we the only ones who find them scary?

2. What "nightclub" does Fran "own"? He was a body guard and he knocked up an Atomic Kitten, so in terms of the celebrity castaways, he was relatively A-list. So there's no need for him to lie about owning a nightclub - but he is, isn't he? What's its name, why do we never hear him talk about it? Where would he have got the money and who's looking after it while he's in the jungle or on an island?

We have a hunch that, at most, he's a club promoter, who occasionally gets his celebrity pals to come along. This is one we're going to get to the bottom of...

Things we'd like to see...

No 1. Davina gets tough

The Big Brother producers have decided to pick up where the single women of London left off, leaving me drunk and frustrated on a Friday night. Every other night of the week, BB delivers a steady, satisfying stream of bile, ensuring that, by the time eviction night comes around I'm ready for blood. But week after week, the show bottles it and Davina goes gentle on even the most awful contestants - even Becki from BB5 - you know: "I am from Italy". The best Davina can manage is a raised eyebrow or a gentle tease.

That's not what I want. I want them to know how much they are hated.

And I'm not the only one. Contestants like Tim and Kitten long-ago established the template for ritual booing. These days, most of them are lucky to escape being lynched on their way through the crowd.

Even the housemates have dispensed with the group hug and the pretence at camerardery that went with every eviction night. It's six years ago since they sang 'it's only a game' - they've got wise since then: it's far more important than that. Nominations used to be couched in diplomatic terms, now they're a steady stream of abuse.

The crowd get it, the contestants get it so why doesn't Davina?

Undoubtedly, the producers are in constant fear of one of the evictees topping themselves, but given the people they take in, locking them in a house under constant supervision has surely delayed them being murdered by nightclub bouncers or committing suicide for at least one more summer.

It's time for her to drop the big sister-act and remember what Big Brother is about - making bad people look worse.

The perfect opportunity will be the inevitable eviction of Craig. I've heard some hand-wringers suggest that we should feel guilty at watching a young man wrestle with his socio-sexual demons for our viewing pleasure. The temptation will be for Davina to put her arm round him, whisper that it's only pantomime and stuidously avoid mentioning his man-boobs or his whiny voice. Once back in the studio, she'll give him a gentle interview in front of his friends and family, without using the word gimp once.

This would be wrong. Firstly, Craig is not a kid, he's 20. He allegedly runs his own business. But more importantly, he is a cock, a self-confessed "bitch", a bit racist and he deserves everything he gets and more. By his own account, he likes playing the role of the submissive, so let's treat him like the freak he is. Don't show him his "good bits" - there aren't any - show him being ridiculed and belittled by everyone in the house. Show him talking about how he only hangs out with beautiful people and intercut that with a shot of him topless.

Time to toughen up Davina. Remember, if you don't give the viewers what they want, there's a queue of former BB contestants who'd think nothing of kicking you in to the baying mob to have a shot at your job.

The High Concept

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